Do You Wonder Why Your Son Shuts Down Emotionally?
Does it ever seem like your son has a huge “do not enter” sign on his life?
Does he block you out when you know he needs you the most?
This can be so frustrating and challenging for parents of boys. It is also a somewhat complicated issue with many possible causes – family dynamics, temperament, social and emotional development, insecurity and fear to name a few.
As a child and teen counselor, I have a few ideas about why your son might shut down on you.
He may not understand his own emotions
Your son may shut down simply because he genuinely does not know what he is feeling. It is an unfortunate truth that our culture has put little emphasis on emotional intelligence for boys. Girls are allowed and encouraged to feel, to cry and to express their emotions. Boys, on the other hand, are not given the same opportunities.
Some boys, when there is confusion or uncertainty, would rather shut down. It is more comfortable and safe. You can start to give your son the words to express himself. Work with him gently by reflecting his feelings back to him. “You seem really angry right now” or “I can tell from your face that you might be sad.”
This is a place to start. Take into consideration that he may not understand his emotions. When you press him for information he may want to retreat.
He may not have the words to express himself
Even if your son knows what he is feeling he may not be confident in his ability to share it. Often my work in therapy is helping boys to first identify their emotions and then find ways to express them appropriately. Anger is often more socially acceptable for boys and they end up “acting out” their feelings. Boys need language to express hurt, sadness and disappointment. These can be much more difficult and vulnerable. It may be easier for him to say nothing than to risk trying to put his experience into words. Encourage your son and ask him open-ended questions.
He may be afraid or unsure of your response
There may be some patterns in your relationship with your son that hinder him from opening up. Maybe in the past, you have not really listened to him, but rather been quick to offer a lecture. He may be afraid you won’t know how to handle his emotions if he shares them. Your son may also shut down in order to avoid getting in trouble. There are any number of possibilities here. The idea is that it will help if you can figure out what relationship dynamic may be getting in the way. Ask your spouse, your extended family or your friends about what they see in your communication with your son. They may have some helpful insight and perspective.
He may prefer to avoid his feelings and your inquiries
Avoidance is powerful. I see it often in the young men I work with and I experienced it as a teenager. There is a strong pull to distraction, blocking out emotions and keeping oneself safe. Feelings are uncomfortable and maybe unpredictable.
Your son might rather lose himself in video games, watching YouTube videos, skating with his friends or any number of other possibilities. You are probably intuitive enough to sense that something is not right, but your son is pretending like everything is fine. “What’s the big deal Mom?”
The truth is that we all need some distraction and separation from the experiences of life and our own emotions. TV, Facebook and especially Smartphones are often used by adults to escape. To some degree, this can be healthy. However, if it is a consistent pattern and the significant issues with your son never get addressed you may have reason for concern.
If your son has a pattern of emotional shutdown, consider how you can approach him with compassion and support. Get help from friends, family or professionals if it just seems too hard.
PS. I should also mention that he may be hiding something from you, but I knew you already thought of that.
