9 Tips To Keep Your Cool When Things Get Hot
Do you ever feel like your teenager is so irritating that you might just lose your mind?
Maybe you are barely maintaining control. You are so close to saying or doing something that you will likely regret. Sometimes you successfully calm yourself down, but other times you totally lose it.
I bet you know exactly what I am talking about.
In this post I am talking about what to do when you get really, really mad at your son. You might think of it as kind of an anger management to-do list for parents.
I know we all have bad days and make mistakes in our parenting, so I would never propose that you can or should be in total, perfect control of your emotions. In fact, you may have made some mistakes that you feel really bad about.
You are most definitely not alone in this.
It is important for your son to see that you are an imperfect person. You make mistakes, but you also know how to take care of your relationships and make things right.
So, what do you do when your anger and frustration get out of hand? Here are a few strategies to help you keep your cool when things get hot.
Quick tips for the busy parent:
Take a deep breath before you speak or respond
Use the 30-second rule
Use these mantras as encouraging reminders
Use “I statements” to express your concern and frustration
Take a time out
Use your support system
Pay attention to your own self-care
Find something you can laugh about
Plan to spend time away from your teenager
Keep reading if you want all the details and feel free to jump to the points that look most interesting to you.
1. Take a deep breath before you speak or respond
I imagine that much of the time you are cool, calm and collected. Most days you respond to your son with logical reasoning and you control your emotions effectively.
Then there are those moments where you lose your cool. Through a combination of factors, you no longer feel you have the ability to keep your composure. It’s OK, we all experience this. You just need to slow things down.
It is in those moments that you can use the power of deep breathing and it can really help.
Deep breathing relieves stress and anxiety due to its physiological effect on the nervous system. The science shows that breathing slowly and mindfully inhibits stress-producing hormones and triggers a relaxation response in the body. Good stuff!
Taking a deep breath before you respond also gives you a brief moment to pause and consider your response. You may come to the conclusion that you should hold your tongue and not respond right away. Or you might decide in those few seconds to choose your words wisely and not unleash your anger like you want to!
The next time your son is getting on your last nerve and you want to react negatively, try the S.T.O.P. Method.
It is also a handy acronym that is easy to remember. :)
S - Stop what you are doing
T - Take a breath
O - Observe your thoughts, feelings and emotions
P - Proceed and choose a thoughtful way to respond to your son
Remember, it is always OK to say the following:
"I am really too angry right now to give you a response. Let me collect my thoughts and get back to you."
(or)
"I am feeling pretty frustrated right now and I think we need to slow things down."
You can also just say no without giving an explanation and tell him you will discuss it later.
(Note: Do you want more specific and actionable tips to become a more confident & calm parent? Check out the Parenting Teens Toolkit.)
Find out more here >> Parenting Teens Toolkit
2. Use the 30-second rule
News flash: your son is an expert at tuning out your monologues, especially when you are angry. In fact, he may only hear a small percentage of what you say. You want to avoid this whenever possible.
I hear from so many parents who don't want to fall into nagging or yelling, but just can't seem to get their sons to respond, get off the couch, turn off the video games or whatever it is that they want to happen.
Give some serious thought to exactly what you want to communicate, get his attention (very important) and say it in 30 seconds or less. A simple format to use could be something like this.
Describe the problem
Describe what you feel
Offer a choice (or)
Ask an open-ended question
It might sound something like this.
"When you don't take out the trash the kitchen really starts to smell bad. I am getting pretty frustrated because I really don't want to have to remind you so many times. Do you want to set a daily reminder on your iPhone or come up with some other solution? (or) What do you think we should do about this?"
Your son will most likely appreciate you using fewer words and focusing on solutions, even when you are clearly angry. Your emotions will escalate the more you talk and the more he avoids and ignores you.
If you want your message to get across? Try the 30-second rule.
3. Use these mantras as encouraging reminders
A mantra is simply a statement that you repeat frequently. You will need encouragement as you move through the teen years and especially when you are super angry. Sometimes the best place to find that extra boost is from within yourself.
When you start to stumble and forget what is true, remind yourself of these things.
Most things about my son’s world are changing. I won’t let my love be one of them.
I should probably loosen up, but I won’t let go.
I still matter and my teenager still cares.
I can’t control his world, but I can change it.
His love for me is demonstrated by the safety of acting out and knowing that I will always be there for him.
My son needs love and limits. Right now he is trying to figure out his identity and his own values. He needs my help and support.
It is his #1 job to work towards safe separation from me. I will honor that and not take it personally.
Most of this is totally normal and everything is going to be OK.
These are the types of cool thoughts and reminders that can help you dial down your anger so that you don’t say or do something you will regret.
4. Use “I statements” to express your concern and frustration
Using “I statements” is something that I teach families all the time. This is simply the practice of directly communicating what you feel. Sometimes it is so tempting to be indirect and hurtful with our words. Here are a couple of examples of what “I statements” sound like.
I felt very hurt when you yelled at me and walked out of the room.
I was disappointed and a little sad for you when I found out you quit the football team.
I am definitely angry about what your teacher told me happened today.
This can be a powerful way to communicate and it can also have several positive effects.
It may lower your son’s defenses for a moment. It may help him see you as a real person with real feelings. It is a way for you to take care of yourself by being honest and direct. It is also good modeling for how you want him to handle his emotions
This definitely takes practice, but it is an essential tool for you as a parent and a crucial lesson for your son to learn.
5. Take a time out
I am a big fan of the parent time-out.
Sometimes it is necessary to maintain your sanity and possibly avoid expressing your anger towards your teenager in a harmful way. Do whatever you need to do to get a few minutes alone to take some deep breaths and calm yourself down.
You can always come back to the conversation and most likely the problem at hand is not an emergency situation.
Let him know that you recognize this conversation is not really working and you need a break but you want to come back to it later.
Taking a time out is also beneficial for your son, because he may also need a way to take a break from the conversation.
The more self-awareness you have, the better you will be able to know when you just can’t manage your big feelings in the moment. Taking a break may be the best option for everyone.
6. Use your support system
Parenting teenagers is hard and sometimes you need to call in support.
When you are taking a break from a conflict with your son it might be a good idea to make a phone call to your spouse, your friend or a family member. You may need some direct advice in the moment or just a chance to vent your frustrations.
It is difficult for all parents to admit that we are struggling and we can’t do this on our own. Sometimes it is just too much to handle. That is OK and it is a part of raising teens. You can and should reach out to someone who will listen or even help out in some practical way.
It can also be helpful to take advantage of your close relationships to help you evaluate the strengths and weaknesses in your parenting. Ask for some positive and constructive feedback from the people who care about you.
Your spouse or close friend can tell you if you worry too much, if you tend to over-react or get over-involved or if you can be controlling or judgmental. It may be hard, but it could be very helpful to get this information and find ways to adjust your approach.
It really does take a community of caring adults to raise healthy kids.
I encourage you to identify your support system and actively rely on those people to help you when you need it.
7. Pay attention to your own self-care
Sometimes the best thing you can do to improve your emotional life and stability is to take really good care of yourself.
As parents, we care so much about our kids that we can forget about ourselves. It can be difficult for Moms and Dads to put a priority on self-care. Family life is demanding and your schedules are already full.
But think about how much more present and calm you will be if you get that chance to exercise in the morning, enjoy a quiet cup of coffee or take a trip with your friends.
Make sure you eat healthily and exercise. Get enough sleep and have some fun in your life. Integrate some sort of practice that will help you to stay calm in the moment. Consider mindfulness, yoga, meditation or prayer.
>> The best way to change your teen's behavior is to change yours.
If you want a more calm and controlled teenager, consider how you can pay attention to being more calm and controlled yourself.
Make sure you are not sacrificing yourself for your kids so much that you are not able to parent effectively. As a parent you give and give and sometimes you just need to recharge your own batteries.
8. Find something you can laugh about
This is my favorite parenting strategy by far, whether it is for diffusing my anger or my kid's anger.
Laughter really is the shortest distance between two people and it will help you connect in a positive way.
Remember that most things that make you angry now won’t even matter in a few days or weeks. Plus, studies have shown that laughter releases endorphins, which will literally melt away stress and tension.
Use your sense of humor to be more of a lighthearted parent and make sure that the people in your family don’t take themselves so seriously. Big emotions often create a feeling of tension and nothing is more effective at breaking tension than humor, whether it is a well-timed joke or a silly dance.
Next time you are feeling perturbed make sure to look for some way to laugh.
9. And lastly, plan to spend time away from your teenager
As a parent, you need time and space that is not consumed by your kids. You may just break if you don’t give yourself a break. It can be an easy mistake to make everything about the kids during these years and neglect yourself, your own interests and of course your significant relationships.
It may be a challenge to recognize your limits and take action, but it is most definitely worth the effort. It won’t be too long before you are launching your young adult into the world and you want to make sure that you have invested in yourself and your relationships. This is really another form of self-care, but it is super important.
Make it a point to plan time away from your teenager.
Here is a recap of the 9 tips to keep your cool when things get hot. Which one(s) are you going to practice today?
Take a deep breath before you speak or respond
Use the 30-second rule
Use these mantras as encouraging reminders
Use “I statements” to express your concern and frustration
Take a time out
Use your support system
Pay attention to your own self-care
Find something you can laugh about
Plan to spend time away from your teenager
Anger is a common emotion for anyone who enters the realm of parenting, especially in the toddler and teenage years!
Sometimes it gets the best of you.
At times you may parent in ways that do not line up with your values and you may feel regret and shame. This is part of the process, but if you focus on controlling your emotions and connecting with your son your relationship will survive and hopefully thrive.
Psychologist Daniel Siegel said it well.
When we begin to know ourselves in an open and self- supportive way, we take the first step to encourage our children to know themselves.
I sincerely hope that the love and bond you have with your teenager will endure your mistakes and your most difficult days.
To your parenting success!!
Was this helpful? If so, you will really like the Parenting Teens Toolkit.
