5 Tips to Stay Connected to Your Teen

It can be tough to create and maintain a strong connection to the teens or tweens in your life. 

Whether you are a parent, teacher, relative or close adult friend to a teenager, I hope you find this post helpful and thought-provoking. 

If you’d like more information, or would like to schedule an appointment with one of our mental health therapists, please reach out to us. (There’s a button at the bottom of the page!)

Here are 5 tips to stay connected to your teen

1. Start with a personal assessment

Gather your thoughts in order to set an intention for the type of relationship you’d like to have with your teenager. 

Clarify your beliefs, hopes and concerns. Write them down and use it as a guidepost for the years to come. 

• What areas need to be addressed?

• What are your beliefs about teenagers in general, your teen in particular?

• How do your beliefs impact your relationship?

• Can you identify obstacles to improving the relationship?

• If co-parenting, are you on the same page?

Notice if you start your thoughts with focusing on what they must change vs. what you can change. 

If you believe that their behavior must change before the relationship can progress, you might be inadvertently setting up blockages to discovering new ways of relating. Even if your teen’s behavior has been contrary to your family’s values, or gotten them in trouble, this does not mean that the responsibility to repair the relationship lies solely with them. 

What contributions are you willing to make to improve the relationship? Where can you take accountability? How can you demonstrate to them that you love them and want to help - especially when you aren’t connecting as you once did?

These are important questions. This personal assessment will help set you up to have more success connecting with your teen.

2. Create realistic expectations

Next, take time to understand your expectations and cross-check them with reality. 

The question I hear most from parents is:  “What is normal for a teenager?” 

While each family has their own ideas for normality, it can be helpful to know what psychologists consider “normal”. 

Teenagers are thought to have 3 distinct cognitive, physical, social and emotional phases. Once you gain greater insight into what is common and what to expect, you may be able to identify areas where you need help with your teen. 

You can read guidelines of normative teenage development published by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry for tweens and early teens. You can also take a look at part two here.  

If your teen has a mental health diagnosis, it is even more important to get educated about the diagnosis. You want to learn how it may affect all the relationships your teen has; the one with you, family members, friends, teachers, coaches, and even the one they have with themselves.

Knowing what behaviors are developmentally and psychologically appropriate can decrease your frustration and any negative beliefs you may be attaching to their behavior.  

A common example of this is when teens begin to prefer friends over family. Parents can feel rejected or hurt and believe that their teenager is being rude or selfish. Knowing that it is vital for teenagers to build stronger ties to their peers in order to develop their own sense of identity and autonomy can take the sting out of feeling like they only want you for a ride or money. 

Lastly, remember that expectations are not demands. Notice when you are demanding behavior that is unreasonable.

3. Work on building trust

Take the healthy and realistic perspective that trust is fluid - it goes both ways and will most likely be strained at times. 

Rigidity around trust can discourage a teen who has crossed a boundary and learns that their parents simply won’t trust them. Teaching a teen how to repair and rebuild trust is a vital life long lesson. 

Although sometimes difficult, demonstrating you trust your teen is a tangible way to show you respect them and their ability to make solid decisions - especially when they’ve made mistakes. 

Co-creating boundaries with your teen communicates that you respect their opinion and demonstrates how to collaborate towards common goals. Allow them time to reflect on their values. Then share your values with them so that you both understand and respect the foundation for boundaries and expectations.

An example of this is establishing an improved nighttime routine for younger teens. Get curious. Ask what they think about healthy sleep, how much sleep do they think they should be getting, what have they noticed when they do, or do not get enough sleep. 

Ask them to identify obstacles they might encounter and ask how you can help them achieve healthy sleep. 

This clearly shows you value their opinion, their ability to solve problems, and that you two can co-create structures and routines that work for everyone. 

For older teens, communicating rules clearly and respectfully is foundational. 

Make a date to have a collaborative conversation about expectations and be sure to state why you want to work on this together. Plan ahead and visualize how you want this conversation to go, including the tone and feelings you want to have and experience from your teen. 

Then select a time and place that adds to the creation of a relaxed and fruitful conversation. For example, don’t have it when either of you are hungry, driving or otherwise distracted. 

If you notice that one of you is getting upset, pause the conversation so that you can continue it at a later date. 

Effective rules include consequences

Consistently following through with consequences can be difficult for some parents or guardians. Make certain that you are able to not only set limits, but are willing to follow through on the consequences. Empty threats show teenagers that your rules are not steadfast and that they can be broken. 

Consistency helps your teen respect you, your rules, and lets them know what to expect. Make sure you and your parenting partner are united. It’s confusing and not beneficial when parents have different rules. 

This is especially difficult in two-household families. If you cannot find a way to consistently co-parent, then establish your house rules and stick to them even if this puts you in the position of not being “the fun parent.” 

Even though they may not always admit it, teenagers do want boundaries because it demonstrates love, care, and clearly shows that you are a solid trusted base that they can count on no matter what.

4. Go slow & be patient

Before diving into an enthusiastic conversation about the Fantastic New Relationship 2.0 you are ready to have, take a moment to consider their position. 

Are they ready to be in open communication with you - or might you want to take it slowly at first?  

Going at their pace is evidence that you are listening to and respecting their needs. State your intentions and remind them how much you care and love them. Yes, they still want to hear it!  Even though they may sometimes act like they don’t. 

Teens have a highly tuned radar for inauthenticity. Leverage this strength by genuinely showing parental warmth and stating that you want to improve your connection. State your accountability for the breaks in the connection. 

This level of vulnerability and maturity acts as a tangible way to role model the type of strong, positive communication that nurtures authentic relationships. 

5. Use lots of positive reinforcement

Lastly, use lots of positive reinforcement. 

Noticing the healthy behaviors you would like to see, is a powerful parenting tool. Nurturing the growth you want to see will encourage more of that same behavior. 

Catching your teen in their best moments boosts their confidence and self-esteem. 

Stay curious! What effect does your commitment to noticing good behavior have on your connection with your teen?

Here is a next step. 

If all of this sounds great, but you still need help getting your family on-board, please reach out to us. 

We’d love to hear how we can help you to get more in tune with your teenager.